I can honestly say that I never thought I would be alive to see my 20th birthday. I know that's kind of a twisted way to start a post, so allow me to explain. At 18, I moved 9 hours away from my family. I left behind 5 siblings who I had pretty much raised, and a very dysfunctional family life. The thing about leaving behind familiar things is that you miss them. At college, there wasn't chaos, there wasn't anyone to take care of, there was only me. I felt alone. My first week of college, I jumped into a relationship with a guy I probably shouldn't have. He messed around with other girls while we dated and I felt the need to find attention from other guys because I wasn't getting it from him. But he said all the right things and he needed me to take care of him (you can see why it wasn't a great idea to date him). However, I fell in love. Or I guess what I thought was love. My depression grew worse. We had broken up and gotten back together so many times during the year, but there was one night when I was sure it was over. For the past few months, I'd been toying with the idea of suicide, but that night, I had planned everything. I'd driven around town for a while, and I decided to go back to the dorms and clean some things up before I planned to drive off the side of a cliff. My eyes were red from crying, and I wore the hood of my sweatshirt. That was when one of the RA's in my building saw me, let's call him Z. He was on rounds, but he noticed that something wasn't right. He asked me if I wanted to talk, and while I really didn't, he insisted that I at least talk for a few minutes. I agreed. We walked down the hall to the office in silence. As he closed the door, I lost my composure and cried. I don't know how long I cried for, but he just sat there and let me. When I finally managed to get my emotions under control, he just asked what was wrong. I didn't really know how to explain exactly what I felt, so I just said that I was having boyfriend and family trouble. He listened and tried to give advice, but mostly he just said that he was sorry life was sucking at the moment. A lot of the time was just silence, and I was ok with that, and in that time I realized that there was at least one person (no matter how much of a stranger) who really did care.
My Sophomore year of college, I became an RA and Z became my boss. Over the summer, the guy I had dated my freshman year and I had gotten back together and broken up a few more times. Going into the beginning of the year, I broke things off with him. I was tired of being drug around and being unsure of the relationship. But I did love him and I was attached, and I soon became depressed. The second term of the year, I started having suicidal thoughts again, and I was struggling to deal with my emotions. While I did have my co-workers, I'm a pretty private person, and I didn't really have any friends whom I could talk with. There was a point where I stayed in my room for almost a week and didn't try to get ahold of anyone. My thoughts were consuming me, and all I wanted to do was die. Again, Z was the only one who seemed to notice that things weren't right. He knocked on my door, and even after I tried to reassure him that things were fine, he insisted on talking about how I was really doing. I found myself unable to hold back the tears again, and we sat until I regained control of the tears. I explained that I was sad and lonely. We talked about what I could do to change that. He told me that I should talk to the counselor on campus and suggested I set up an appointment soon. Because of his advice, I did talk to a counselor, and the year improved drastically.
I am currently entering into my Junior year of college with a much more positive outlook on school and life in general. I'm dating Z's brother (crazy turn of unexpectedness) and realize that there are better people in my life now. The guy that I had dated the first two years is no longer a part of my life, and for the first time, I'm completely ok with that. I'm starting to see that sometimes you have to let go of people you were once close to because they hold you back. For the first time in my life, I see a future for myself, and I'm happy to be alive.
